Teenage girls all across America use every holiday/party/funeral/concert/Wednesday afternoon/Starbucks-run to post an up-close picture of their GORGEOUS face, usually accompanied by some quote like "Live every day like it's your last!" even though that has nothing to do with the fucking picture they just posted.
I've always been a selfie hater. I just really don't understand them, or enjoy them, or like them at all. Is looking in a mirror all day not good enough for you or something? It's bad enough that I have to see people's faces all day long around school, the last thing I'm tryna do when I get home is open up my phone and stare at an up-close and personal picture of your face for a few hours. I hate to break your heart, but that's life.
However, today as I scrolled through all the pictures in my iphoto, I was shocked by how may selfies of me there were shoved in there. Had I really turned into the exact girl that I make fun of so often?! The thought was almost too much to handle.
I CAN'T BE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS, I JUST CAN'T!
The more I scrolled through my endless rows of selfies, the more I realized that I was THAT girl.
*cue tears and begin questioning life*
I wanted to rip my own eyes out.
So in order to break my horrid habit of selfie taking, I thought it was only fair that I post all my different types of selfies on this blog. The good. The bad. The straight up ugly. The embarrassing. All in a display of how I am the exact girl I hate.
So, for your viewing pleasure....
1. The "Pretty-Ugly" Seflie
Sometimes, a girl just HAS to post of selfie of herself because she's lookin' so damn hot. But, problem, how does she do it without looking like she tried too hard?! Easy solution: you make your best "pretty-ugly" face. This is when you slightly contort your face, maybe a crossed eye or a stuck out tongue, something slightly off but still super classy so you don't look like you're trying TOO hard but you still look hot. This is a favorite selfie tactic of mine. Obviously I use it often...
2. The "I Just Woke-Up" Selfie
It's the weekend. You just woke up. You have no intention of getting out of bed for at least 2 hours. So naturally you grab the only thing in reach (your phone) and send your friends ugly pictures of you in bed. You look like a troll, but you're in bed so the rules of attractiveness simply do not apply.
3. The "I Just Watched a Sad Movie" Selfie
Sometimes when you watch a sad movie, you just can't help but let the tears start flowin'. Hey it's not your fault that Noah and Allie just HAPPENED to die at the exact same time because they were so in love OK?! When you're alone and feeling sad and dejected after a movie just ripped your heart out, you feel obligated to send your friends a picture of you crying, it's just like a thing. At least that's what I do anyways...
4. The "I Had a Rough Night" Selfie
Everyone has those nights. The ones where someone should probably take your phone. The ones where you are definitely not lookin' photo ready. Yet you take the pictures of yourself anyways because in your mind, you're looking like Adriana Lima right after she stepped off the Victoria's Secret runway. LOL...sure.
5. The "I Just Went to Starbucks" Selfie
Everyone knows that the common white girl needs her Starbucks fix every day otherwise she, like, dies or something. So whenever she makes a Starbucks run, you know that she's gonna Instagram it for the whole world to see. A Starbucks instagram is the best way to metaphorically say "I'M A WHITE TEENAGE GIRL AND I'M PROUD!" and also "LOOK AT MY NAILS I JUST PAINTED THEM!' and also "I AM SO INDIE OMG!"
6. The "Myspace" Selfie
So maybe people don't take actual MySpace photos anymore...but I got these two pictures off of my ACTUAL MySpace account (yes it's still running). Too good not to share.
7. The "I'm Pretty and I'm Holding a Cup" Selfie
So it's the weekend. Your makeup's lookin' good. Your hair is finally cooperating. You're holding a cup. IT'S THE TRUE DEFINITION OF A KODAK MOMENT. PRAISE THE LORD. It's hard to go one weekend without seeing a girl take the standard "cup selfie." If you're holding a cup, you have to take a picture. It's just, like, the rules of feminism.
8. The "Just Got Out of the Shower" Selfie
If you're hoping for a naked picture of me....
...you ain't ever gettin' one. Sorry.
I literally have hundreds of more selfies I could have posted, and that makes me feel horrible about myself. Every time I take a selfie I'm pretty sure 10 of my brain cells die. Suddenly I understand why Amanda Bynes has gone so crazy...
My summer resolution will be to take less selfies and maybe use all of my extra time to help the homeless. Or watch more Netflix maybe...
All I'm sayin' is, next time you're bored and go to insta that super cute close-up of yourself just because you feel like it and it's a Thursday and you look super hot and you want to impress the guy you like and you're wearing a shirt that makes your boobs look nice, STOP and THINK and DON'T DO IT.
Go look in a mirror instead and tell yourself how pretty you are. That's the safest thing to do.